posted by John Borst

Although marking papers is still some weeks away for elementary and high school teachers, it is in full swing at Canadian and American universities. During such times it helps to keep a sense of humour. This post is one such example. Originally titled “What I do to avoid grading papers” the following blog post and exchange occurred at the dotCommonweal blog. It is reposted with permission.

May 6, 2008, 2:50 pm

Posted by Joseph A. Komonchak

[Rev. Joseph A. Komonchak is a priest of the Archdiocese of New York and holds the John and Gertrude Hubbard Chair in Religious Studies at the Catholic University of America.]

The dateline “Indianapolis” on a news-program this morning made me recall the one time I’ve been in that city. I was attending Sunday Mass, I believe in the cathedral, at which a priest read the Gospel in which Christ indicts the hypocrisy of the Scribes and Pharisees. Where the priest should have read: “They have widened their phylacteries,” he said instead, “They have widened their prophylactics”–which gave quite another image!

This led me to recall another memorable moment in the pulpit, only this was in my seminary days, in what passed for a course in homiletic. (”Tell a story!” our mentor would repeatedly admonish us; “Long after they’ve forgotten what you had to say, they’ll remember the story!” Advice I didn’t and don’t agree with and have happily ignored for forty-five years.) Anyway, one of my classmates was giving a practice-homily for the feast of the Circumcision of the Lord, the name then given to the regularly changing feast celebrated on January 1st. The classmate, who has since gone on to greater things, began by giving us a little lesson in liturgical theology, to the effect that the liturgical feasts give us an opportunity to participate in the mysteries of Christ. “Today is the feast of the Circumcision,” he went on somewhat solemnly, “and it reminds us that we must cut off the old man!” Well, the whole audience–males only, of course–winced and instinctively covered our vital parts.

After we had stopped laughing, the priest-mentor said that we had to be careful in our use of language, as also in our pronunciation. He described one priest who spoke of Peter, during Christ’s trial, warming his hands at the brassiere.

Anyone else have malapropisms to share?

Comments (I have not sought permission from each commentator so have not posted their names. They can be viewed at the link in the introduction.)

Posted by Commentator One on May 6th, 2008 at 3:17 pm

“Today is the feast of the Circumcision,” he went on somewhat solemnly, “and it reminds us that we must cut off the old man!” Well, the whole audience–males only, of course–winced and instinctively covered our vital parts.

Aha! Was it such anxiety that caused the Feast of the Circumcision to be suppressed? I had thought it was too much of a reminder that Jesus was Jewish.

Posted by Commentator Two on May 6th, 2008 at 3:21 pm

Nothing as good as widening the prophylactics or warming ones hands at the brassiere, but I got these:

“I am defiantly a good communicator,” wrote one kid. My guess is that “definitely” was misspelled and he chose the wrong alternative. In any case, it somewhat deflated his claims as a communicator.

“Some reporters lead with an antidotal story,” wrote another, perhaps because “anecdotal story” would be redundant. Certainly I would like to read an antidotal story to see if it cures headaches and whatnot.

I have my grades in. Haha!

Posted by Commentator One on May 6th, 2008 at 3:29 pm

A local hospital proudly announced on an expensive sign that it had transformed its “previous baron” roof into a beautiful garden. I guess there is more to life than noble blood.

Posted by Commentator Three on May 6th, 2008 at 3:33 pm

Not as good, but I remember fondly the guffaws from a learned congregation when one of the more pompous lectors rose to read from “St. Pauls’s letter to the Phillipinos.”

Posted by Joseph A. Komonchak on May 6th, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Just remembered this, though not a malapropism. It’s from a Bronx parish, with a lector blissfully unaware that he has an accent. He got to Rom 8:15: “a spirit of adoption as sons, by virtue of which we cry, “Abber! Fadda!”

Posted by Commentator Four on May 6th, 2008 at 3:47 pm

A student told me once that he thought that I was such a good teacher, I would “go down in the anals of history.”

Posted by Commentator Five on May 6th, 2008 at 3:52 pm

David’s post reminded me of a fellow student who was a lector at our Catholic college (a philosophy/theology double major, no less) who very confidently announced at Mass one day: A reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Titans.

Posted by Commentator Six on May 6th, 2008 at 3:53 pm

I had a student write a paper in which she claimed St. Paul is “full of carp.” In the same paper, she wrote that “Thomas Aquinas opposed sexual relations because he said they clouded his thinking.”

Unfortunately, malapropisms abound in my student’s papers. Most of them indicate how oral communication has completely overwhelmed the written word, because almost all of them are the result of trying to write down something one has only heard on a rare occasion.

Posted by Commentator Two on May 6th, 2008 at 4:03 pm

Commentator Six, yes, I used to see this more when I taught English Freshman Comp. There were “hammydowns,” “arrowdynamics” and “let’s get down to brass tactics” among many others my office mates and I used to keep on a list.

Commentator Four, going down in the anals of history reminded me of a student who appealed a grade I’d given her to the department chair. In her grade grievance, she wrote, “I have been trying to see you for two days about this matter. Do I have to keep a virgil outside your door?”

The appeal was denied.

Posted by Commentator Seven on May 6th, 2008 at 4:35 pm

In the old days, when the Passion was read silently in Latin in the background and English translation was read aloud to the assembled, our Pastor of beloved memory was trying to inject some ‘passion’ into his reading of the Passion. However, after passionately proclaiming for the leaders of the Jews that they wanted Barabbas, he rolled on to explain, “Now, Barabbas was a barber.” After a five second pause, the whole assemply erupted in laughter.

Posted by Commentator Eight on May 6th, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Some years back, a new curate was scheduled to preach at my parish, and a friend and I made sure to attend to see how he would do his first time. He did not seem nervous at all, and was a wonderful speaker. The problem was, he repeatedly referred to King David commiting adultery with Beersheba. The two of us, fortunately in a back pew, must have looked like we were both having some kind of attack at each repetition, as we struggled against laughing aloud. We didn’t have the heart to mention to him that his homily had covered what must have been the wildest party recounted in Scripture . . .

Posted by Commentator Nine on May 6th, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Sadly, Father Komonchak, your own words undo you: I shall always remember these stories.

Then again, I’ve never heard you preach, and that may be just as memorable. So what do I know?

Back to grading….

Posted by Commentator Ten on May 6th, 2008 at 6:48 pm

I was occasionally a student lector at my high school’s daily Mass, attended mostly by some Marist brothers and lay faculty. Early one morning during the Easter season, I read a passage from Acts of the Apostles that mentioned a certain group of Jews who did not believe in the resurrection of the dead. A Queens native, I spoke of the “Sa-DOOCH-ees”–as if they were one of New York’s “Five Families.” Those present kindly kept their heads down and bit their lips–a work of mercy, indeed.

Posted by Commentator Eleven on May 6th, 2008 at 7:19 pm

Speaking of the “Families,” a lector in the Bronx, reading from Romans, proclaimed Paul’s counsel: “let the one who has the gift of extortion, extort!”

Posted by Commentator Four on May 7th, 2008 at 5:50 am

My wife informs me that once at Mass she was treated to a reading from the Book of Elasticus.

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