December 06, 2009 (Catholic education, Catholic schools)

Number four in a series.

Editor’s Note: Every two weeks, Tomorrow’s Trust will share an excerpt from Noel Cooper’s new book What Makes us Whole. Information on purchasing the book can be found in the banner ad to the right, or at the end of this extract. This excerpt is from pages 5-7 of chapter one. Posted with permission.

By Noel Cooper

The most worthy recipient of unconditional love is surely a newborn baby.  Most parents welcome their children in a spirit of profound love and hope.  Parents will do anything for their child.  They want to protect and support that child, whatever happens.  Mother and father both look on their child as someone who deserves to be loved, who deserves to be cared for.  Parents always wonder what will become of their child in life, and always they hope for the best.  They know that love is indispensable for the present and future happiness of their child.

Even so, because of circumstances being faced by their parents, some babies are born unwanted or barely tolerated.  The chances of their ever growing to wholeness are limited from the outset.

Even children who are born into a loving environment sometimes suffer from deprivation before they have lived many months.  Many babies cry a lot; babies demand attention and make their demands known in ways that would try any parent’s patience.  At the same time, parents’ energy is often consumed by adult pre-occupations, interests and tensions.  Problems might arise from an unhappy relationship between the parents; sometimes, one or even both parents never accept responsibility for the child, never offer the love that the child needs.  When a mother or father suffers from depression in the weeks following the birth of a child, the child may instinctively experience a deficit in the required emotional attachment, unless the other parent makes up for the shortfall.

Love deficiency for young children is sometimes the result of fears related to money in a society that advertises luxury but rewards primarily those who are clever, industrious and entrepreneurial.  The problem might arise from exhaustion, as both parents must work long hours to preserve even a modest lifestyle, and now they have a child to care for in addition.  Or the problem might be “success,” as parents who have been eager participants in the marketplace want to continue enjoying the adult leisure activities to which they have become accustomed.

Young children sometimes grow up feeling that their parents consider them a nuisance.  The parents “have no time” for their child.  They are more involved in other issues than wiping runny noses or marveling at butterflies.  When such children instinctively try to attract attention, their behavior begins to be described as problematic or uncontrollable.  What they really want is love.

One of the resultant problems in schools, surprisingly, is violence in kindergarten.  Many people react with incredulity to that assertion, but these are the children who are using foul language, hitting and biting other children, throwing sand or heavier classroom objects, and kicking teachers.  That is violence.  It is less lethal than violence in high school, but it is a presage of later escalation. Some parents come with their children on the first day of kindergarten and say to the teacher, “I hope you can do something with him, because we can’t control him.”  Sometimes, parents of young children describe emotionally-charged conflicts with each other, and then express surprise that their child has been suspended from school for behavioral offences in kindergarten. Shockingly often, adults express regret that they ever decided to become parents.  Many children feel inadequately loved in their first three or four years of life.  No one should be surprised when children living in such situations explode into violent behavior at an early age, and as adults endure lives characterized by cruelty and abuse.

First and most important, children need to be accepted and loved unconditionally.  Young children need to know in their heart that they are loved no matter what they do.

This is by no means to say that they should be allowed to do anything they want.  Such wanton permissiveness is an indication of neglect rather than love.  Good discipline is defined as “setting limits with love.”  There will be more comment on this issue in the chapter on freedom as an element of wholeness.

It is essential that children feel a strong sense of being loved in their families; if they do not, the damage to their personalities may be almost irreparable.

The author welcomes discussion of any issue raised in this excerpt.

Please contribute your opinions to his online discussion forum:

http://whatmakesuswhole.ning.com/profile/NoelCooper“

What Makes Us Whole

Finding God in Contemporary Life

Noel Cooper

ISBN:978-0-8146-3289-5

Specifics: Paper, 168 pp., 5 3/8 x 8 1/4

USA – Price: $16.95 Liturgical Press

Canada – Price $21.95 Broughton’s

(Note the advertisement badge links to Broughton’s)

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